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My Asian Parents Really Hoped I'd Marry a White Guy | Diving into Interracial Relationships

Updated: Aug 9, 2023

by Gynae Davalos for

cheesy photo interracial couple black and asian

Love truly is color blind. When you fall head over heels in love with someone, their ethnicity or race isn't the reason, it's just what they happen to be; no one has a choice which nationality they're born into.

It's everyone in and around the couple's lives that problems regarding race arise. Race isn't an issue with the couple themselves, until others - family, friends, society - makes it an issue, which could then cause problems in the relationship.

It took marrying a black man for me to understand that my family definitely held racist beliefs; even though I didn't/don't hold those same beliefs, failing to understand and acknowledge their effect on the person I love had an affect on my relationship.

Because I have never seen any of my family members act outwardly racist, I didn't want to believe they could actually hold racist beliefs. If I explained to them EXACTLY how their comments are totally racist statements, they probably wouldn't believe me and/or accept the truth about themselves.

My black husband had to break it down to me how their passive aggressive comments made him feel, why they would say these things, and how they would have felt more comfortable with themselves had I married a white man.

I would attempt to bring him around to family gatherings, but instead of the loving joy I normally experienced around holidays and celebrations, it was more uncomfortable for everyone. Not only did they not know anything about him, they didn't really care or bother to try to get to know him as a person. So it just made sense to no longer attend family gatherings since we don't acknowledge holidays anyways.

Fear and hatred of black people is so programmed and ingrained into the fabric of our society that some don't even recognize it while it's being spewed from their mouths and would wholeheartedly deny any such thoughts. As far as I'm concerned, they can wallow in that fear and hatred and deal with their own feelings because all the discussion in the universe would probably still not make them understand the deep-seeded programming of fear.

Love is Love. You fall in love with a soul, not an outer shell of a body vessel. Don't let anyone or anything or any institution or entity get in the way of that love. I didn't and 28 years later I'm still in love with my intelligent, thoughtful, humorous, talented, affectionate husband who will always be unapologetically black.

If you and your partner are having familial issues regarding your interracial relationship, we have several services that helps guide couples towards healing their wounds for a fulfilling and healthy, long-term partnership.

Can you relate to similar issues in your interracial relationships?

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